I grew up in the Missionary Church. I spent 26 years there, and I thought I was content. Eventually though, I started feeling like I was supposed to move to another church, even denomination, but wasn't sure where or how. See, my family has always done everything together, and that included going to church, so for someone in my family to say that they were going to go to another church was not something that my family did every day. Because of this, I was scared to tell my family what I felt I should do. I would go to church every Sunday, and know that I was supposed to be somewhere else, but not have the courage to tell my family that.
Finally after much prayer and talking, God asked me, "Who's more important? Me, and what I think, or your Family, and what they will think?" My family had taught me my whole life, that God came first, and so for me, the answer was clear, but the action was hard! I decided to tell my family through a letter, because I feel I can express myself best when writing, as compared to talking to someone. Some may consider me to just not have the courage to talk to someone face to face, but that's not it at all; I really just communicate a lot easier and clearly, if I can do so in writing. So anyways, I wrote my family a letter explaining to them what I was feeling, and what I had planned to do. I was going to make my last Sunday at the church, Easter Sunday, and then I was going to start going to my now current church full time. I tried to explain to them that I wasn't doing this to hurt them, but I was just listening to God. My family was not happy at all with my decision at first, and in fact was very mad at me for it, but I kind of figured that would be the reaction I got, so I wasn't surprised. My Grandma was really upset, but eventually just told me that she believed I was doing what I was supposed to do, but would have to get used to the idea of me not being at her church. Others in my family, probably still don't like that I am going to my new church, but I have to do what God leads me in.
So I started going to my church, 4CI - Four-Corner's International, about 4 months ago, and I couldn't be happier. The style of worship is amazing, and the freedom of the Holy Spirit to move is astounding! It's just such a place of love, and joy that I can't describe the peace I receive from it! I knew when I first started going that this was the place for me, and I have still felt that way!
Here's the reason I'm even writing though. For so many years, I had put God in this box, of what I thought He could and couldn't do, and I kept Him there, and I expected Him to move and do, just what I said He could do. Well, when I started coming to this church, God, Himself, burst out of that box! He burst out, and he just keeps coming, and coming! He has been so gracious, and merciful to a sinner like me, who for so long limited Him, that I can't even describe the Love I feel from Him, and for Him! God has showed me in first person accounts, that He is the Great Healer, and will provide healing! He has released on me some of the spiritual gifts, and has taken me to such a deeper place in my prayer life, that I can't even explain it! He has shown me that for all those years that I have been afraid of Spiritual Battle, and Satan and his demon's that they are scared of me! That in Jesus Christ name, I can cast them away from me, and others! I am learning that we here in America are so often living in the "grey" area of Spiritual matter's, and so the demon's that are at work here, don't a lot of time, get called out for what they really are, but instead are called a sickness, or disease. A lot of the "sickness and diseases" that we face here in the US, are also faced in other countries in the World, except they are called out for what they truly are, which is "demon possession" and when they are cast out, the person is perfectly fine, and healed. Tell me, we don't have demon possession here in America, even in the church! I'm telling you, we are living in such a "grey" area here, where we don't think much about Demon's or Satan or their hold on people, or maybe don't believe they truly exist to possess us, so that when they do, we pass it off as something else. My point to this is God is huge, and He's showing me just how big He truly is!
This morning at church, we had a couple here from Africa, not as missionary's, but as parent's to Orphans there in Kenya. There Son and his Wife, go to my church, and they were in the states visiting, and was asked to share what God was doing with them. The whole way through the service, God kept moving on my heart. I have a big heart towards children anyway, but especially for kids who are abandoned. I just can't fathom how someone can do that. Anyways, after the service today, Rodney our lead Pastor, asked if anyone felt like they should come up to be prayed for to go out into the World in any sense at all. I didn't want to go up, but I felt this nauseous feeling, and that's my cue from God that I'm supposed to do something. So I got up, and immediately this sense of peace rushed over me. That's kind of my gut check to know if it truly was from God. This I knew without a shadow of a doubt was from God. So, I had prayer with this couple. What they prayed for me I can't even describe to you. I told them how I had felt for a long time now that I was supposed to adopt, but I didn't know how to, or even if that was God's plan for me. As they were praying for me, I got this deeper sense of peace, rush over me. They prayed things for me, that I hadn't told them before, but they are exactly what I had been praying to God about. Things to do with my finances, and getting out of the huge knot I'm in with finances. Knowing if adoption was just a want I had, or if it was from God. It was definitely from God. I'm for the first time in my life, feeling the true adoption of God as my Father, and being a Son of His. Through that, as I experience that more, I can pass that on to the children God will bring in my life. It was just so much information that I can't relay it all, other than the fact that God told me I was going to adopt. I know that plain and simple, and I hold that to be truth! I don't know if God is going to ask me to go to another country, state, or even stay here in Kansas, but I do know that I am to adopt, and I'm saying this with boldness, excitement, and fear of the unknown.
God is so big you guys, that I can't even imagine what else He has in store for me. It's all crazy sounding I know, but God is huge, and can do amazingly big things! In fact, that's kind of His thing - doing what we don't think will ever happen! I would ask you to pray for me through this news, and that God would provide where I need Him to provide!
blessings and love!
Tony
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
A blown tire...
When I was learning how to drive, I was taught how to change a flat tire. It was something my Grandpa made sure we knew how to do, before he'd take us down to get our liscense. I was glad he made us learn that because it's come in hand a few times now, plus I had the assurance of knowing I'd be able to change a tire, had I needed to when I was alone, or so I thought... Ugh!
I've been having trouble with my tires not keeping air in them, but I just assumed it was due to a small hole or something in the tire, and I could just take it to the shop, and have them patch it. Well, I never got around to taking it to the shop; I couldn't ever find the time. With my new work arrangements, I'm not able to get off of work early enough in the evenings to take it before they close, and the weekends always seem to have something going on, where I'm not able to get it down there to be fixed. I'm kicking myself now for not making time, but the past is the past.
Ok, so I'm on the highway, driving home, late at night, and all of a sudden I feel like I'm dragging something. I pull over, and I know the whole time it's one of my tires. I sit in my car a second, and try to make sure I remember all the steps Grandpa taught me, on how to change a tire. Then my mind immediately goes to the fact that someone could lose control of their car, and smash right into me, while I'm changing the tire, and that would be that. Or, they'd hit me, and I'd leave a big "Tony" size dent in their car! Either way, it wouldn't be fun!
So I get out to survey the damage, and thankfully the flat is on the side facing the ditch, so I'm not out in direct striking range of traffic. I'm standing there, and I suddenly get this sickened feeling. I realized, I had no clue how to get the spare off from under my car. In all the other cars I'd driven, the spare was hidden in the trunk, under a trap door. Not only was I not sure how to get the tire down, sadly enough, I wasn't even sure, I could fit under there to get the tire down! Which by the way made me realize, Weight Watcher's is in my near future, but I digress. The only thing I can think of to do, was to call one of my brothers. I called John, and he was still at work in Sedgwick, and wasn't able to come, so then I call Eric. I was thinking he might be asleep, so I felt bad, but not bad enough to end up spending the whole night changing a tire, just so he could sleep. Thankfully he was awake, and said he'd be right there to help. I get back in my car to wait for him, and I lock the doors, because in my mind, the boogie man, and his henchmen, are just down in the ditch waiting for me to be out there alone, giving them easy access to grab and maul me. I have a vivid imagination.
Eventually I see a car pull in behind me, and instead of being happy for some help, I think to myself, "I know this isn't Eric, they got here too fast, who is this person, and what to I have in my car to beat them with, if I need to." I got out of my car, and this guy asked right away if I was ok. I explained to him that I was fine, but that I had a flat tire, and wasn't sure how to get the spare down, and that my brother was headed here, to help me. He explained that there was usually some sort of a lock to hold the tire in place and that I would need to unlock it to get the tire down. He asked me if I had my keys, and used them to unlock the tire, and get things going. Shortly after that, the Motorist assist showed up, and was able to bring a bigger flash light over, and some better abled tools in, to do the job quicker. Eric got there and was able to help the guy finish up with changing the tire, and they had it done in no time at all. When they pulled the tire off, you could see where it was balding, so evidently it had been bad for some time, and just recently started showing the signs. The guy that stopped to help me was awesome! He didn't know me, and yet he still chose to stop and see what help he could be. I really appreciate that. It caused me to stop and think of times when I could have been a help to someone, and wasn't. It was a reality check sort of situation.
When they got done, the guy shook my hand, and gave his name. He then went on to say that he was in the US Marine's. I tell you, those people (military personnel) don't stop. They gave for their country and fellow man, and they still continue to do so, even after they're back! Thank our Military Personnel, when you see them!
Now the neat part. I had been going, and going on this balding tire all day. I was in rush hour traffic that morning headed to work. I was in rush hour traffic that evening headed home. I had gone to the store, then to my cousins house, then was headed back home, and thats when the tire finally blew. I really feel that God protected me, and kept the tire from blowing earlier in the day, when I could have possibly had to stop suddenly, or swerve, and could have created more of a dangerous situation, than it already was. God is good!
The next step... buying a new tire(s) for my Tahoe! Ouch!
I've been having trouble with my tires not keeping air in them, but I just assumed it was due to a small hole or something in the tire, and I could just take it to the shop, and have them patch it. Well, I never got around to taking it to the shop; I couldn't ever find the time. With my new work arrangements, I'm not able to get off of work early enough in the evenings to take it before they close, and the weekends always seem to have something going on, where I'm not able to get it down there to be fixed. I'm kicking myself now for not making time, but the past is the past.
Ok, so I'm on the highway, driving home, late at night, and all of a sudden I feel like I'm dragging something. I pull over, and I know the whole time it's one of my tires. I sit in my car a second, and try to make sure I remember all the steps Grandpa taught me, on how to change a tire. Then my mind immediately goes to the fact that someone could lose control of their car, and smash right into me, while I'm changing the tire, and that would be that. Or, they'd hit me, and I'd leave a big "Tony" size dent in their car! Either way, it wouldn't be fun!
So I get out to survey the damage, and thankfully the flat is on the side facing the ditch, so I'm not out in direct striking range of traffic. I'm standing there, and I suddenly get this sickened feeling. I realized, I had no clue how to get the spare off from under my car. In all the other cars I'd driven, the spare was hidden in the trunk, under a trap door. Not only was I not sure how to get the tire down, sadly enough, I wasn't even sure, I could fit under there to get the tire down! Which by the way made me realize, Weight Watcher's is in my near future, but I digress. The only thing I can think of to do, was to call one of my brothers. I called John, and he was still at work in Sedgwick, and wasn't able to come, so then I call Eric. I was thinking he might be asleep, so I felt bad, but not bad enough to end up spending the whole night changing a tire, just so he could sleep. Thankfully he was awake, and said he'd be right there to help. I get back in my car to wait for him, and I lock the doors, because in my mind, the boogie man, and his henchmen, are just down in the ditch waiting for me to be out there alone, giving them easy access to grab and maul me. I have a vivid imagination.
Eventually I see a car pull in behind me, and instead of being happy for some help, I think to myself, "I know this isn't Eric, they got here too fast, who is this person, and what to I have in my car to beat them with, if I need to." I got out of my car, and this guy asked right away if I was ok. I explained to him that I was fine, but that I had a flat tire, and wasn't sure how to get the spare down, and that my brother was headed here, to help me. He explained that there was usually some sort of a lock to hold the tire in place and that I would need to unlock it to get the tire down. He asked me if I had my keys, and used them to unlock the tire, and get things going. Shortly after that, the Motorist assist showed up, and was able to bring a bigger flash light over, and some better abled tools in, to do the job quicker. Eric got there and was able to help the guy finish up with changing the tire, and they had it done in no time at all. When they pulled the tire off, you could see where it was balding, so evidently it had been bad for some time, and just recently started showing the signs. The guy that stopped to help me was awesome! He didn't know me, and yet he still chose to stop and see what help he could be. I really appreciate that. It caused me to stop and think of times when I could have been a help to someone, and wasn't. It was a reality check sort of situation.
When they got done, the guy shook my hand, and gave his name. He then went on to say that he was in the US Marine's. I tell you, those people (military personnel) don't stop. They gave for their country and fellow man, and they still continue to do so, even after they're back! Thank our Military Personnel, when you see them!
Now the neat part. I had been going, and going on this balding tire all day. I was in rush hour traffic that morning headed to work. I was in rush hour traffic that evening headed home. I had gone to the store, then to my cousins house, then was headed back home, and thats when the tire finally blew. I really feel that God protected me, and kept the tire from blowing earlier in the day, when I could have possibly had to stop suddenly, or swerve, and could have created more of a dangerous situation, than it already was. God is good!
The next step... buying a new tire(s) for my Tahoe! Ouch!
Friday, February 25, 2011
And that is what some of you were...
I told you all that I didn't think I had anything to blog about, but the more and more that I thought about it, the more I realized I do have a blog-worthy post!
my testimony...
I've felt for several years that God was impressing on my heart to write out my testimony, but I hesitated due to my own sinful fears. Not everyone in my family knows my testimony, and by writing it out on my blog, it would definitely become a free for all to anyone wanting to read it.
I've finally come to realize that if people are judgemental towards me about my past, then so be it. I know who my Redeemer is, and if people don't like my testimony or maybe don't believe it, it's not important to me.
God is.
Let me state that my fear in sharing my testimony was in no way at all because I was ashamed at what God has done, and continues to do in my life. I hate to even think of where I'd be (or if I'd be), if it weren't for God's grace, mercy, and amazing love!
With that, here is my testimony, unedited (read long), raw, and for the glory of God!
From about mid-teens or so I noticed it. The desire. The temptation. The Sin. I was different than anyone else I knew, and I hated that. I was scared and alone, and I didn't know where to go, or who to turn to, and Satan knew that. I was consumed by thoughts of suicide and release.
I was fighting what I thought was a losing battle.
I was fighting feelings of homosexuality.
Let me back up a bit. I didn't always know I was struggling with homosexual desires. I just knew I didn't like to do the things my brother's, and cousin would do. They'd be outside playing football, or rough housing, being boys, and I would be in my room, CD player blaring, Whitney Houston, while I was dancing around, rather erratically, trying to match the voice of Whitney, unsuccessfully I might add. As I got older was when I first noticed the feelings. I didn't know what to do with them, because I knew they weren't right, but I knew I had no control over them.
I struggled each day to ignore the fleshly, evil desires that flooded my mind. I knew they were wrong, yet I didn't know how else to feel. They felt sinfully natural to me. I spent many nights praying God would heal me, or even embarrassingly enough, allow me to wake up as a female, so the feelings I felt would be considered "normal" to everyone else. I was praying for a solution to a problem, I didn't want to deal with, because I didn't know how to deal with it. There's a song by Casting Crowns called, "Stained Glass Masquerade". The lyrics to that song are exactly how I felt in my day to day life, but I didn't know how to convey it. The years went by, and I tried and tried to supress the feelings I had, and not let on to anyone that I struggled with this.
As I entered highschool, I was hoping to be past the horrid middle school antics, and teasing, but I was wrong, and excuse me, but it was pure hell in both middle and high school. I had to deal with all the issues of being fat, and not being "popular" brought, as well as the added jabs thrown at me daily by other kids, calling me "queer" or "fag", just to name a few, along with a death threat made to me my Senior year by some students. I don't think I'll ever forget that day either. After they confronted me and told me they would kill me if I looked at them again, I wondered how someone could hate someone so much, without even knowing them, that they wanted to kill them and end their life. It was a really hard time, because I dreaded going to school each day, wondering if I was going to get killed that day for just walking down the hall. I hated it. I hated it so bad, that when I came home at night, I'd try to think of a reason not to have to go to school the next day, or I'd ask to be homeschooled. I was sinking into a depression. I couldn't explain to my Grandparent's, who raised me, that the things the kids were saying were true. That as far as I was concerned, I was those things they were calling me, and I did deserve to die for the feelings I had. I would get so mad at not feeling like I could tell anyone what I was struggling with, and not knowing if there was even a "fix" for it, that I would selfishly entertain thoughts of suicide. This went on for a few years before I finally had to tell someone what was going on.
The first person I told was my cousin, Jason. I've always been close to him, in fact we grew up like brothers, but that didn't make telling him any easier. I was shaking like a leaf. I didn't know how he'd react, or if he'd go and tell our family, or everyone, for that matter. At that point though, there was no turning back, I had to tell someone, for the sake of my sanity and continued living. When I told him, I was suprised at his reaction. First, he told me that he loved me, and then went on to say that while he didn't agree with the lifestyle, he would do everything he could to help me overcome it. That was great, and I appreciated his words, but I didn't know how to overcome it, and I didn't even know if I could overcome it. From there, I got a little more courage, and decided to tell another cousin who I was also close to, and she gave me the same encouraging words. She didn't agree with the lifestyle, but she would help me in anyway possible. One thing she said to me that stuck with me for a long time is, "I don't want you to go to hell for this." WOW!!! I didn't want to go to hell either, but I didn't know how to avoid it. For me, as far as I was concerned, having these feelings, was no different than anyone else having a thirst for water. I couldn't help but have the feelings, and they felt natural. Around that same time, Satan planted a very dangerous lie in my head. I was starting to believe that God must have made me this way, so I should just go with it and embrace it, and that since He made me this way, then I'd probably still go to heaven. Dangerous, dangerous, water folks, and Satan loved every minute of it!
About a year or so later, still struggling with temptations, and the ever present thought from Satan, to just accept being gay, that it was how God made me, I finally decided to do just that! I was tired of fighting what felt right and normal to me, and so I was going to just embrace the life style and accept it. I had planned on telling my whole family shortly thereafter, and was going to start living the "gay" lifestyle. Around that same time, God reminded me that I knew this lifestyle was wrong, and sinful. Satan was fighting hard too, causing me to still wonder, how it could possibly be wrong if God made me that way. I was so confused as to what to feel. The thoughts of suicide came running back. I held off on my plans of "outing" myself, in order to try and clear up the confusion I had.
During this time, God was working in ways I couldn't even imagine! In the late summer of 2005, our Church was married to another Church, to try and keep our church alive. Because of this, we had new people to interact with and get to know. I was a sunday school assistant before our church married over, so therefore, I continued in that role after we joined together. The teacher I helped was/is an awesome, Godly man; Dale Mleynek. One Sunday, shortly after we were working together, he asked me, "Do you have anything that I can pray with you about?" My gut reaction caused me to say no, and I immediately started to leave. There was a problem though, I couldn't leave. I physically couldn't move, I felt like there was a presence keeping me in that room until I finally told Dale, yes, I'd like it if he'd pray for me, and that I'd email him the details later. Looking back now, I feel the Holy Spirit caused me to pause, and rethink my gut instinct answer, in order to recieve the help that God so desperately wanted to give me. God is good! We exchanged email addresses, and that was that. I had every intention of ignorning him, and not telling him what was going on, and just dealing with it, partly because I didn't really know the guy, and also because I honestly never felt like this was something I could get control over. That afternoon though, I made myself email him, and tell him everything I was struggling with, and to this day, I can not figure out how I did it. I barely knew the guy, why would I just spill not only a secret about me to him, but the biggest secret I have ever had. It's baffles me to think of how God caused my brain to just not think about it, and just do it. In the email, I told Dale that if he didn't want me to be in the church anymore, then that was fine, but to please not tell my family my struggles, because I didn't want to hurt them. I honestly expected to be kicked out of the church, and shamed in front of my family, and church family. When I got a response back from him, he told me that I wouldn't be kicked out of the church, and that he knew I was believing all sorts of lies from the enemy. He said that the first and best thing for us to do, would be to start discipling together.
On our first meeting, I was confused and scared, and unsure as to what to expect. I had never even heard of discipling, and so it was all new to me. We had small talk at first, and then we started talking about the feelings I had. One of the first things I told him was that I knew there was no way out of this, and that I was going to have these feelings until I die. Dale already knew how to fight that lie. He had me open my Bible to 1 Corinthians 6:9-11.
"9Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
The first part of verse 11 stuck out to me like nothing else ever had before. "And this is what some of you were." WOW, WOW, WOW!!! This verse literally changed my life. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders the very instant I read that. It was a huge relief! For the first time ever I felt like God could help me get past this. I never once before thought homosexuality was something I could get past. I always thought it was going to define me here, and into eternity. This new found encouragement was like white out on all the lies Satan had been telling me. It was absolutely amazing! The feelings of despair and suicide left, and I felt encouraged!
Shortly after Dale and I started discipling, I got to see just how God was working behind the scenes, when I wasn't even aware, or wanting change. Debbie Mleynek, Dale's Wife, also worked in the Children's Ministry at the church, and told me a few weeks later, that God had been impressing on her heart to have Dale ask me, if there was anything he could pray with me about, that she felt God was telling her I needed help/prayer. How cool is that? God had been speaking to people I didn't even really know, in order to bring me help! He is so good! So Dale and I discipled with each other for the next couple of years, and then I started going to my current church. At that point we decided that we were going to stay in touch, and allow the Holy Spirit to lead us to other people to offer encouragement and discipleship to!
While we were discipling, I decided to go ahead and tell my immediate famiy the struggles I was going through. That was scary, but oh so worth it! They embraced me, and were happy to hear of the help and freedom that I was finding!
Let me be honest with you all and say that even though I felt extremely encouraged and changed by the Holy Spirit doesn't mean that the feelings I had completely stopped. There were and are still days I struggle, like anyone else, with temptation, but I'm learning daily, more and more, to get my strength from God and His Word! To rely on Him to satisfy my needs, not something or someone else! Let me add that even though God could completely take these feelings away, doesn't mean that He will. I heard someone once say that, sometimes the things that you struggle with the most, are sometimes the things that God leaves in your life, because He knows those things keep you running towards Him! You quickly realize that if you don't run towards Christ, those "things" in your life that once grabbed hold of you, could take you back over in an instant, and so you run!
As far as plans for the future go, I would love to get married someday and have children! God has developed an attraction in me that wasn't there before towards women, and thats encouraging! As to rather or not that is a plan God has for me, I don't know yet. He knows though, and if it's His will, I believe if I continue to follow Him, it'll happen!
So there it is, out for everyone to know. I'm finding there is freedom in honesty, so please, share my testimony or the link to it, with anyone that you feel could benefit from it. It is for God's glory!
I knew undoubtedly sharing it would bring Him glory and praise, but I wondered if God couldn't use it to reach someone else whose struggling with some of the same things I struggled so helplessly with, or just a secret struggle in general. I can't help but feel that He'll use it for His glory! Because of this, I pray that I conveyed the hope and peace that are in Jesus Christ! It's a scary thing to trust and obey, and let go, but oh is it freeing, and empowering!
God is good!
my testimony...
I've felt for several years that God was impressing on my heart to write out my testimony, but I hesitated due to my own sinful fears. Not everyone in my family knows my testimony, and by writing it out on my blog, it would definitely become a free for all to anyone wanting to read it.
I've finally come to realize that if people are judgemental towards me about my past, then so be it. I know who my Redeemer is, and if people don't like my testimony or maybe don't believe it, it's not important to me.
God is.
Let me state that my fear in sharing my testimony was in no way at all because I was ashamed at what God has done, and continues to do in my life. I hate to even think of where I'd be (or if I'd be), if it weren't for God's grace, mercy, and amazing love!
With that, here is my testimony, unedited (read long), raw, and for the glory of God!
From about mid-teens or so I noticed it. The desire. The temptation. The Sin. I was different than anyone else I knew, and I hated that. I was scared and alone, and I didn't know where to go, or who to turn to, and Satan knew that. I was consumed by thoughts of suicide and release.
I was fighting what I thought was a losing battle.
I was fighting feelings of homosexuality.
Let me back up a bit. I didn't always know I was struggling with homosexual desires. I just knew I didn't like to do the things my brother's, and cousin would do. They'd be outside playing football, or rough housing, being boys, and I would be in my room, CD player blaring, Whitney Houston, while I was dancing around, rather erratically, trying to match the voice of Whitney, unsuccessfully I might add. As I got older was when I first noticed the feelings. I didn't know what to do with them, because I knew they weren't right, but I knew I had no control over them.
I struggled each day to ignore the fleshly, evil desires that flooded my mind. I knew they were wrong, yet I didn't know how else to feel. They felt sinfully natural to me. I spent many nights praying God would heal me, or even embarrassingly enough, allow me to wake up as a female, so the feelings I felt would be considered "normal" to everyone else. I was praying for a solution to a problem, I didn't want to deal with, because I didn't know how to deal with it. There's a song by Casting Crowns called, "Stained Glass Masquerade". The lyrics to that song are exactly how I felt in my day to day life, but I didn't know how to convey it. The years went by, and I tried and tried to supress the feelings I had, and not let on to anyone that I struggled with this.
As I entered highschool, I was hoping to be past the horrid middle school antics, and teasing, but I was wrong, and excuse me, but it was pure hell in both middle and high school. I had to deal with all the issues of being fat, and not being "popular" brought, as well as the added jabs thrown at me daily by other kids, calling me "queer" or "fag", just to name a few, along with a death threat made to me my Senior year by some students. I don't think I'll ever forget that day either. After they confronted me and told me they would kill me if I looked at them again, I wondered how someone could hate someone so much, without even knowing them, that they wanted to kill them and end their life. It was a really hard time, because I dreaded going to school each day, wondering if I was going to get killed that day for just walking down the hall. I hated it. I hated it so bad, that when I came home at night, I'd try to think of a reason not to have to go to school the next day, or I'd ask to be homeschooled. I was sinking into a depression. I couldn't explain to my Grandparent's, who raised me, that the things the kids were saying were true. That as far as I was concerned, I was those things they were calling me, and I did deserve to die for the feelings I had. I would get so mad at not feeling like I could tell anyone what I was struggling with, and not knowing if there was even a "fix" for it, that I would selfishly entertain thoughts of suicide. This went on for a few years before I finally had to tell someone what was going on.
The first person I told was my cousin, Jason. I've always been close to him, in fact we grew up like brothers, but that didn't make telling him any easier. I was shaking like a leaf. I didn't know how he'd react, or if he'd go and tell our family, or everyone, for that matter. At that point though, there was no turning back, I had to tell someone, for the sake of my sanity and continued living. When I told him, I was suprised at his reaction. First, he told me that he loved me, and then went on to say that while he didn't agree with the lifestyle, he would do everything he could to help me overcome it. That was great, and I appreciated his words, but I didn't know how to overcome it, and I didn't even know if I could overcome it. From there, I got a little more courage, and decided to tell another cousin who I was also close to, and she gave me the same encouraging words. She didn't agree with the lifestyle, but she would help me in anyway possible. One thing she said to me that stuck with me for a long time is, "I don't want you to go to hell for this." WOW!!! I didn't want to go to hell either, but I didn't know how to avoid it. For me, as far as I was concerned, having these feelings, was no different than anyone else having a thirst for water. I couldn't help but have the feelings, and they felt natural. Around that same time, Satan planted a very dangerous lie in my head. I was starting to believe that God must have made me this way, so I should just go with it and embrace it, and that since He made me this way, then I'd probably still go to heaven. Dangerous, dangerous, water folks, and Satan loved every minute of it!
About a year or so later, still struggling with temptations, and the ever present thought from Satan, to just accept being gay, that it was how God made me, I finally decided to do just that! I was tired of fighting what felt right and normal to me, and so I was going to just embrace the life style and accept it. I had planned on telling my whole family shortly thereafter, and was going to start living the "gay" lifestyle. Around that same time, God reminded me that I knew this lifestyle was wrong, and sinful. Satan was fighting hard too, causing me to still wonder, how it could possibly be wrong if God made me that way. I was so confused as to what to feel. The thoughts of suicide came running back. I held off on my plans of "outing" myself, in order to try and clear up the confusion I had.
During this time, God was working in ways I couldn't even imagine! In the late summer of 2005, our Church was married to another Church, to try and keep our church alive. Because of this, we had new people to interact with and get to know. I was a sunday school assistant before our church married over, so therefore, I continued in that role after we joined together. The teacher I helped was/is an awesome, Godly man; Dale Mleynek. One Sunday, shortly after we were working together, he asked me, "Do you have anything that I can pray with you about?" My gut reaction caused me to say no, and I immediately started to leave. There was a problem though, I couldn't leave. I physically couldn't move, I felt like there was a presence keeping me in that room until I finally told Dale, yes, I'd like it if he'd pray for me, and that I'd email him the details later. Looking back now, I feel the Holy Spirit caused me to pause, and rethink my gut instinct answer, in order to recieve the help that God so desperately wanted to give me. God is good! We exchanged email addresses, and that was that. I had every intention of ignorning him, and not telling him what was going on, and just dealing with it, partly because I didn't really know the guy, and also because I honestly never felt like this was something I could get control over. That afternoon though, I made myself email him, and tell him everything I was struggling with, and to this day, I can not figure out how I did it. I barely knew the guy, why would I just spill not only a secret about me to him, but the biggest secret I have ever had. It's baffles me to think of how God caused my brain to just not think about it, and just do it. In the email, I told Dale that if he didn't want me to be in the church anymore, then that was fine, but to please not tell my family my struggles, because I didn't want to hurt them. I honestly expected to be kicked out of the church, and shamed in front of my family, and church family. When I got a response back from him, he told me that I wouldn't be kicked out of the church, and that he knew I was believing all sorts of lies from the enemy. He said that the first and best thing for us to do, would be to start discipling together.
On our first meeting, I was confused and scared, and unsure as to what to expect. I had never even heard of discipling, and so it was all new to me. We had small talk at first, and then we started talking about the feelings I had. One of the first things I told him was that I knew there was no way out of this, and that I was going to have these feelings until I die. Dale already knew how to fight that lie. He had me open my Bible to 1 Corinthians 6:9-11.
"9Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
The first part of verse 11 stuck out to me like nothing else ever had before. "And this is what some of you were." WOW, WOW, WOW!!! This verse literally changed my life. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders the very instant I read that. It was a huge relief! For the first time ever I felt like God could help me get past this. I never once before thought homosexuality was something I could get past. I always thought it was going to define me here, and into eternity. This new found encouragement was like white out on all the lies Satan had been telling me. It was absolutely amazing! The feelings of despair and suicide left, and I felt encouraged!
Shortly after Dale and I started discipling, I got to see just how God was working behind the scenes, when I wasn't even aware, or wanting change. Debbie Mleynek, Dale's Wife, also worked in the Children's Ministry at the church, and told me a few weeks later, that God had been impressing on her heart to have Dale ask me, if there was anything he could pray with me about, that she felt God was telling her I needed help/prayer. How cool is that? God had been speaking to people I didn't even really know, in order to bring me help! He is so good! So Dale and I discipled with each other for the next couple of years, and then I started going to my current church. At that point we decided that we were going to stay in touch, and allow the Holy Spirit to lead us to other people to offer encouragement and discipleship to!
While we were discipling, I decided to go ahead and tell my immediate famiy the struggles I was going through. That was scary, but oh so worth it! They embraced me, and were happy to hear of the help and freedom that I was finding!
Let me be honest with you all and say that even though I felt extremely encouraged and changed by the Holy Spirit doesn't mean that the feelings I had completely stopped. There were and are still days I struggle, like anyone else, with temptation, but I'm learning daily, more and more, to get my strength from God and His Word! To rely on Him to satisfy my needs, not something or someone else! Let me add that even though God could completely take these feelings away, doesn't mean that He will. I heard someone once say that, sometimes the things that you struggle with the most, are sometimes the things that God leaves in your life, because He knows those things keep you running towards Him! You quickly realize that if you don't run towards Christ, those "things" in your life that once grabbed hold of you, could take you back over in an instant, and so you run!
As far as plans for the future go, I would love to get married someday and have children! God has developed an attraction in me that wasn't there before towards women, and thats encouraging! As to rather or not that is a plan God has for me, I don't know yet. He knows though, and if it's His will, I believe if I continue to follow Him, it'll happen!
So there it is, out for everyone to know. I'm finding there is freedom in honesty, so please, share my testimony or the link to it, with anyone that you feel could benefit from it. It is for God's glory!
I knew undoubtedly sharing it would bring Him glory and praise, but I wondered if God couldn't use it to reach someone else whose struggling with some of the same things I struggled so helplessly with, or just a secret struggle in general. I can't help but feel that He'll use it for His glory! Because of this, I pray that I conveyed the hope and peace that are in Jesus Christ! It's a scary thing to trust and obey, and let go, but oh is it freeing, and empowering!
God is good!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I'm still here...
Hi everyone!
If there's anyone still reading this, I am still here. I've been really, really slow at blogging, I know, and I'm sorry. I didn't think I had anything to blog about but I was wrong. I'm getting ready to blog soon, so keep watching for it!
Between the holidays, busy schedules, and sickness in my family, including my two weeks of pneumonia, I've not been able to blog like I should. I'm hoping to be able to blog more often!
Stay tuned, it's coming! =)
If there's anyone still reading this, I am still here. I've been really, really slow at blogging, I know, and I'm sorry. I didn't think I had anything to blog about but I was wrong. I'm getting ready to blog soon, so keep watching for it!
Between the holidays, busy schedules, and sickness in my family, including my two weeks of pneumonia, I've not been able to blog like I should. I'm hoping to be able to blog more often!
Stay tuned, it's coming! =)
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