And that is what some of you were...

I told you all that I didn't think I had anything to blog about, but the more and more that I thought about it, the more I realized I do have a blog-worthy post!

my testimony...

I've felt for several years that God was impressing on my heart to write out my testimony, but I hesitated due to my own sinful fears. Not everyone in my family knows my testimony, and by writing it out on my blog, it would definitely become a free for all to anyone wanting to read it.

I've finally come to realize that if people are judgemental towards me about my past, then so be it. I know who my Redeemer is, and if people don't like my testimony or maybe don't believe it, it's not important to me.

God is.

Let me state that my fear in sharing my testimony was in no way at all because I was ashamed at what God has done, and continues to do in my life. I hate to even think of where I'd be (or if I'd be), if it weren't for God's grace, mercy, and amazing love!

With that, here is my testimony, unedited (read long), raw, and for the glory of God!

From about mid-teens or so I noticed it. The desire. The temptation. The Sin. I was different than anyone else I knew, and I hated that. I was scared and alone, and I didn't know where to go, or who to turn to, and Satan knew that. I was consumed by thoughts of suicide and release.

I was fighting what I thought was a losing battle.

I was fighting feelings of homosexuality.

Let me back up a bit. I didn't always know I was struggling with homosexual desires. I just knew I didn't like to do the things my brother's, and cousin would do. They'd be outside playing football, or rough housing, being boys, and I would be in my room, CD player blaring, Whitney Houston, while I was dancing around, rather erratically, trying to match the voice of Whitney, unsuccessfully I might add. As I got older was when I first noticed the feelings. I didn't know what to do with them, because I knew they weren't right, but I knew I had no control over them.

I struggled each day to ignore the fleshly, evil desires that flooded my mind. I knew they were wrong, yet I didn't know how else to feel. They felt sinfully natural to me. I spent many nights praying God would heal me, or even embarrassingly enough, allow me to wake up as a female, so the feelings I felt would be considered "normal" to everyone else. I was praying for a solution to a problem, I didn't want to deal with, because I didn't know how to deal with it. There's a song by Casting Crowns called, "Stained Glass Masquerade". The lyrics to that song are exactly how I felt in my day to day life, but I didn't know how to convey it. The years went by, and I tried and tried to supress the feelings I had, and not let on to anyone that I struggled with this.

As I entered highschool, I was hoping to be past the horrid middle school antics, and teasing, but I was wrong, and excuse me, but it was pure hell in both middle and high school. I had to deal with all the issues of being fat, and not being "popular" brought, as well as the added jabs thrown at me daily by other kids, calling me "queer" or "fag", just to name a few, along with a death threat made to me my Senior year by some students. I don't think I'll ever forget that day either. After they confronted me and told me they would kill me if I looked at them again, I wondered how someone could hate someone so much, without even knowing them, that they wanted to kill them and end their life. It was a really hard time, because I dreaded going to school each day, wondering if I was going to get killed that day for just walking down the hall. I hated it. I hated it so bad, that when I came home at night, I'd try to think of a reason not to have to go to school the next day, or I'd ask to be homeschooled. I was sinking into a depression. I couldn't explain to my Grandparent's, who raised me, that the things the kids were saying were true. That as far as I was concerned, I was those things they were calling me, and I did deserve to die for the feelings I had. I would get so mad at not feeling like I could tell anyone what I was struggling with, and not knowing if there was even a "fix" for it, that I would selfishly entertain thoughts of suicide. This went on for a few years before I finally had to tell someone what was going on.

The first person I told was my cousin, Jason. I've always been close to him, in fact we grew up like brothers, but that didn't make telling him any easier. I was shaking like a leaf. I didn't know how he'd react, or if he'd go and tell our family, or everyone, for that matter. At that point though, there was no turning back, I had to tell someone, for the sake of my sanity and continued living. When I told him, I was suprised at his reaction. First, he told me that he loved me, and then went on to say that while he didn't agree with the lifestyle, he would do everything he could to help me overcome it. That was great, and I appreciated his words, but I didn't know how to overcome it, and I didn't even know if I could overcome it. From there, I got a little more courage, and decided to tell another cousin who I was also close to, and she gave me the same encouraging words. She didn't agree with the lifestyle, but she would help me in anyway possible. One thing she said to me that stuck with me for a long time is, "I don't want you to go to hell for this." WOW!!! I didn't want to go to hell either, but I didn't know how to avoid it. For me, as far as I was concerned, having these feelings, was no different than anyone else having a thirst for water. I couldn't help but have the feelings, and they felt natural. Around that same time, Satan planted a very dangerous lie in my head. I was starting to believe that God must have made me this way, so I should just go with it and embrace it, and that since He made me this way, then I'd probably still go to heaven. Dangerous, dangerous, water folks, and Satan loved every minute of it!

About a year or so later, still struggling with temptations, and the ever present thought from Satan, to just accept being gay, that it was how God made me, I finally decided to do just that! I was tired of fighting what felt right and normal to me, and so I was going to just embrace the life style and accept it. I had planned on telling my whole family shortly thereafter, and was going to start living the "gay" lifestyle. Around that same time, God reminded me that I knew this lifestyle was wrong, and sinful. Satan was fighting hard too, causing me to still wonder, how it could possibly be wrong if God made me that way. I was so confused as to what to feel. The thoughts of suicide came running back. I held off on my plans of "outing" myself, in order to try and clear up the confusion I had.

During this time, God was working in ways I couldn't even imagine! In the late summer of 2005, our Church was married to another Church, to try and keep our church alive. Because of this, we had new people to interact with and get to know. I was a sunday school assistant before our church married over, so therefore, I continued in that role after we joined together. The teacher I helped was/is an awesome, Godly man; Dale Mleynek. One Sunday, shortly after we were working together, he asked me, "Do you have anything that I can pray with you about?" My gut reaction caused me to say no, and I immediately started to leave. There was a problem though, I couldn't leave. I physically couldn't move, I felt like there was a presence keeping me in that room until I finally told Dale, yes, I'd like it if he'd pray for me, and that I'd email him the details later. Looking back now, I feel the Holy Spirit caused me to pause, and rethink my gut instinct answer, in order to recieve the help that God so desperately wanted to give me. God is good! We exchanged email addresses, and that was that. I had every intention of ignorning him, and not telling him what was going on, and just dealing with it, partly because I didn't really know the guy, and also because I honestly never felt like this was something I could get control over. That afternoon though, I made myself email him, and tell him everything I was struggling with, and to this day, I can not figure out how I did it. I barely knew the guy, why would I just spill not only a secret about me to him, but the biggest secret I have ever had. It's baffles me to think of how God caused my brain to just not think about it, and just do it. In the email, I told Dale that if he didn't want me to be in the church anymore, then that was fine, but to please not tell my family my struggles, because I didn't want to hurt them. I honestly expected to be kicked out of the church, and shamed in front of my family, and church family. When I got a response back from him, he told me that I wouldn't be kicked out of the church, and that he knew I was believing all sorts of lies from the enemy. He said that the first and best thing for us to do, would be to start discipling together.

On our first meeting, I was confused and scared, and unsure as to what to expect. I had never even heard of discipling, and so it was all new to me. We had small talk at first, and then we started talking about the feelings I had. One of the first things I told him was that I knew there was no way out of this, and that I was going to have these feelings until I die. Dale already knew how to fight that lie. He had me open my Bible to 1 Corinthians 6:9-11.

"9Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

The first part of verse 11 stuck out to me like nothing else ever had before. "And this is what some of you were." WOW, WOW, WOW!!! This verse literally changed my life. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders the very instant I read that. It was a huge relief! For the first time ever I felt like God could help me get past this. I never once before thought homosexuality was something I could get past. I always thought it was going to define me here, and into eternity. This new found encouragement was like white out on all the lies Satan had been telling me. It was absolutely amazing! The feelings of despair and suicide left, and I felt encouraged!

Shortly after Dale and I started discipling, I got to see just how God was working behind the scenes, when I wasn't even aware, or wanting change. Debbie Mleynek, Dale's Wife, also worked in the Children's Ministry at the church, and told me a few weeks later, that God had been impressing on her heart to have Dale ask me, if there was anything he could pray with me about, that she felt God was telling her I needed help/prayer. How cool is that? God had been speaking to people I didn't even really know, in order to bring me help! He is so good! So Dale and I discipled with each other for the next couple of years, and then I started going to my current church. At that point we decided that we were going to stay in touch, and allow the Holy Spirit to lead us to other people to offer encouragement and discipleship to!

While we were discipling, I decided to go ahead and tell my immediate famiy the struggles I was going through. That was scary, but oh so worth it! They embraced me, and were happy to hear of the help and freedom that I was finding!

Let me be honest with you all and say that even though I felt extremely encouraged and changed by the Holy Spirit doesn't mean that the feelings I had completely stopped. There were and are still days I struggle, like anyone else, with temptation, but I'm learning daily, more and more, to get my strength from God and His Word! To rely on Him to satisfy my needs, not something or someone else! Let me add that even though God could completely take these feelings away, doesn't mean that He will. I heard someone once say that, sometimes the things that you struggle with the most, are sometimes the things that God leaves in your life, because He knows those things keep you running towards Him! You quickly realize that if you don't run towards Christ, those "things" in your life that once grabbed hold of you, could take you back over in an instant, and so you run!

As far as plans for the future go, I would love to get married someday and have children! God has developed an attraction in me that wasn't there before towards women, and thats encouraging! As to rather or not that is a plan God has for me, I don't know yet. He knows though, and if it's His will, I believe if I continue to follow Him, it'll happen!

So there it is, out for everyone to know. I'm finding there is freedom in honesty, so please, share my testimony or the link to it, with anyone that you feel could benefit from it. It is for God's glory!

I knew undoubtedly sharing it would bring Him glory and praise, but I wondered if God couldn't use it to reach someone else whose struggling with some of the same things I struggled so helplessly with, or just a secret struggle in general. I can't help but feel that He'll use it for His glory! Because of this, I pray that I conveyed the hope and peace that are in Jesus Christ! It's a scary thing to trust and obey, and let go, but oh is it freeing, and empowering!

God is good!