The Culinary Coward...

I read many blogs while I'm at work because it gives me something to do. I was reading one the other day from Andrea Goto, who writes an article for pauladeen.com. This article had me cracking up at work; like out load laughter, and strange looks from those around me. I decided to copy and paste it over here for you guys to read also. Hope y'all like it.

The Culinary Coward: Andrea Goto

Never Try A New Recipe On Friends…If You Want To Keep Them

I get it. You don’t perm your hair the day of prom, wear new shoes to run a marathon, or apply self-tanner before a job interview.

But during a brief bout of dementia, I thought it would be a good idea to try out a new dessert for my dinner party. First, you must realize that I host dinner parties about as often as I remember to remove the hair from the shower drain. Second, my idea of a no-fail dessert is canned fruit cocktail drenched in chocolate syrup. But that’s not going to fly with this group. One of my guests, Nicole, whipped up a French boeuf bourguignon something-or-other for her last party. The sauce alone was so delicious that I poured myself a bowl.

“It’s not soup, Andrea.”

“Hell it’s not.”

Because this is what I’m up against, I hope to flex a little Southern muscle on Nicole’s thin, Frenchy frame. I choose Paula’s Frozen Chocolate Mousse Pie because the only thing better than one of Paula’s butter-infused dishes, is a chocolate one. And this recipe takes it up a notch by adding cream, sugar and liqueur (basically, my Last Meal).

I read over the directions and prophesized, “This is going to be easy.” To which my husband responds, “Your confidence will be your undoing.” (Can all men do a Luke Skywalker impersonation?)

A minute later I’m picking up broken pieces of frozen piecrust from the floor, cursing said husband.

Once I rebuild the piecrust, I crack open the chocolate liqueur, dribble a little onto the chocolate chips, and then pour more than that into my coffee. It can’t hurt, right?

Wrong.

Shortly thereafter, I’m scraping burnt chocolate from the bottom of a saucepan as my 4-year-old daughter stands on a stool next to me dipping her fingers in the char-free remains. She feverishly licks her hands and I think I see her eyeballs shake.

“Mommy, it’s so good I can’t stop eating it!” Addictive personalities run in our family.

In her sugared state, she attempts a grand jette from her perch, spilling all but a tablespoon of the vanilla extract onto the floor. I dump what’s left into the pie filling even though the recipe only calls for one teaspoon.

Moving on, Paula says to whip the cream “as if you are making whipped cream,” which probably means something to someone who has made whipped cream before. I turn the mixer on “high” and beat the heck out of two pints of cream, hoping that this equals one quart (I stopped caring somewhere around my third “coffee.”) After five minutes of trying to control the tornado that is my hand mixer, soft peaks begin to form. I pause to make an appointment to have my kitchen repainted.

Hours later, I humbly present the dessert to my dinner guests. They are good friends, but lousy liars, which makes it all the more difficult to watch them surgically dissect the pie with their forks as I await the verdict.

Eventually someone breaks the silence. “Are there coffee grounds in this?”

They collectively agree that there’s something gritty going on. The vanilla is a bit overpowering, and they suggest letting the pie thaw a few minutes to avoid the obvious frost problem.

As one guest excuses himself to check his insulin levels (maybe the candy-bar topping was overkill), I start to feel a personal rain cloud form above my head. I wistfully hope that someone will throw me a bone.

Instead, Frenchy’s husband offers me this: “It’s like ‘Gilligan’s Island.’ You know they’re never going to get off the island, but it’s sure fun watching them try.”




After reading the post, I'm curious as to if any of you guys have ever had a bad experience with trying to make something in the kitchen, be it for a dinner party or just for family?

Wow... That's strange.

Kyle - I'm stealing this idea from you. Thanks. =)

After reading a friends blog post about things they do that others might consider "weird", it got me to thinking about things I do that others might think are weird.

Here's a few...

I have OCD really bad sometimes, especially when I'm getting ready for bed at night. I will more than likely check my alarm clock once or twice just to make sure it says, 5:00am, even though I know it's still set for that time from the previous nights ritual.

I set my alarm clock to go off at 5:00am, even though I don't have to get up until 6:15 or so. Once it goes off at 5, I have an internal time clock that lets me know I can sleep a little over an hour more, and then I'm fine to get up and function. If I have to get up the very first time the alarm clock goes off, I literally don't function. I know, thats strange.

I want to have a southern accent. I think they are charming.

I want to live in a world where everyone calls everyone else by their first name, prefaced by their gender title... Mr. Tony, or Miss Betty, etc.

I psycho analyze myself quite frequently.

I want to lose weight, but I feel subconciously I wont let myself because I'm afraid of rejection from people. If I stay fat, then I can tell myself its rejection due to my size, not because of me personally.

I want to live in a small town, much like that of Mayberry, where everyone knows everyone.

I absolutely hate the taste of chocolate and fruit, and inevitably, thats what we got every year in our Christmas stockings was some sort of chocolate/fruit mixture.

I used to pronounce the color, Orange, like O-Weenje, just because I thought it sounded cool.

I snore so loudly in my sleep that I've always said whoever I marry needs to be deaf, or she will become that way.

I'm a huge packrat. Whenever I get a boxed product, I save not only the box to put the product back into, but all the little covers, and twist ties and tape and everything that was around the product when it was in the box, just in case I ever give the product to someone else, I have the stuff to put back around the product. Also, I know that as soon as I were to throw the box out or packaging material, I would ultimately need it for something.

I love neat and tidy cleaned spaces, but my room isn't neat and tidy, or cleaned. It's actually completely opposite.

I want to be left handed. In fact so much so, that I will often start writing with my left hand just to see if I can teach myself to be that way.

I love unique things. I don't ever mind seeing weird new fashions or trends, because if I were a much smaller size I would totally be right there with the trend setters.

I absolutely hate the taste of coffee, but I make myself drink it because it makes me feel sophisticated.

I would love to sing Opera. I can't sing Opera at all, but I would love to be able to.

I'm a flippin pansy when it comes to bugs and snakes. They freak me out.

Whenever I make a trip to walmart, which is more than likely once to twice a week, I always buy a can of deodorant, just to make sure I always have enough.

I enjoy structured list. If everything came with a detailed list of step's 1, 2 and 3, my life would be easier.

I have girly handwriting. You can thank my 3rd grade teacher for that one. She made us practice handwriting daily.

WOW... I'm strange.